why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
i always forget guys have bellybuttons
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
Randomize
