Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
Randomize
