non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
