My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
Randomize
