Nice. Sry i missed. Also sorry that i pissed on my toothbrush last nite
Sink seemed easy target but balance was no good
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Randomize
