I wish I could punch you in the face.
That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
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