I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
Randomize
