Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
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