Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
I just need someone to hold me and tell me i dont turn boys gay
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
Randomize
