Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
The question is do I invite my fuck buddy to my graduation party now that my girfriend found out about her?
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
Randomize
