Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
I just want school to he over so we can build a big tent, do drugs inside it, and watch cartoons until the sun comes up.
That's all I've ever wanted.
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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