he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
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