dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
If by fun you mean, did I meet her cousin for the.first time and bang him, then yes it was a productive evening.
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
