i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Randomize
