i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
I know her cup size but not her name....
Randomize
