I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
