I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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