Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
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