I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
She played chubby bunny with our cocks.. She got 4
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
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