whats the name of the jew you used to have sex with that lives on evergreen?
be more specific...?
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Randomize
