The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
Randomize
