I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
Randomize
