Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
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