Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
Randomize
