Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
