im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
Randomize
