Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
Randomize