Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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