Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
Randomize
