why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
Randomize
