just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
Randomize
