I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
I DEMAND FORESKIN
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