Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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