she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
