My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
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