First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Randomize
