Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
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