she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
where are my eyebrows?
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
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