Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
Are we still banned from the library?
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
Vodka?
Forever.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Randomize
