he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
Randomize
