I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Never joke about your clitoris.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
