I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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