In the future we'll all be gay
We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
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