jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
Randomize
