If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
there is partying, then there is whatever we did last night.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
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