she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Randomize
