i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
You need Xanax blowdarts
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
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