He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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