Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
