Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
Randomize
