You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
Randomize
